A Most Grave and Troublesome Problem

Thank God I finally got this thing up and running. Thought it would be a breeze and then the fucking website decides to roll over and die on me, while I'm half way through the damn setup process. Not that I had to start over or anything, but its just annoying. Anyway, for my first blog I thought that it would be appropriate to set a suitable tone for this thing. And that tone is dead, no fun, head in a hole, locked up and never coming out fucking serious. I plan to tackle the big hard-hitting issues that everyone is talking about and sound off on them in a calculated and egotistical manner. Not just because I’m better than you, but because I can. It’s my God given right, nay my duty, as an America to run my mouth, so haha. Without further ado and with great trepidation (< -- contradictory to the attitude of my previous statements but it’s a sweet word and the juxtaposition in tone conjures thoughts of the duality of man and shit. Please disregard this sentence. I get a kick out of being retard and no one gets my jokes but me. You’ll see all of that soon enough), may I present my very serious topic:

Putting the Toilet Paper on the Dispenser the Wrong way.

I’m sure you all, and by you all I mean the no one who will read this blog. Sidenote: I got into this blogging thing way late. Seems kinda like yesterday’s news to me but what the hell, I never was a hipster and I’m not really “with it” and I just learned about these things called computers last week, so I figured I might as well give them a shot. Back to the matter at hand, you all know what I’m talking about. When someone refills the toilet paper holder and puts the roll so the end that you pull from is facing in, towards the wall, forcing you to reach below the roll to get that first piece and then every subsequent piece thereafter. Not to mention you always have to pull in a downward direction, which doesn’t jive with the common “stand up wipie” fighting style. In all honest, this issue really is one of my biggest pet peeves and I ran into it at the office today. So I’m settling in for a nice afternoon shit. I’ve got magazine at the ready. I’ve wiped the seat down, to give myself the delusion that it’s clean and that I won’t contract some kind of vile ass disease that turns me into a giant lump of crap. Trust me, that disease is out there. Just no one is talking about it cause big brother doesn’t want anyone to know. And if you do talk about it, they come to your house and take you to a giant toilet somewhere outside of area 52 and then flush you and you’re never heard from again. Hold on, there’s someone at the door. God that was a stupid joke, I’m stupid but I love it. Back to the story. I haven’t shit in about 36 hours, so I’m really looking forward to this one. I know you might think its weird but I’m rarely an every day kind of guy. Shut up! You go 5 times a day and I think that’s weird, asshat. Needless to say, this one is going to be a good one. Sidenote: It wasn’t all I was hoping it’d be. Time passes and the log has been laid and I’m reaching for the paper to clean the old bum when I realize that the TP, as we’ll call it from now on for writing purposes, is not on the side of the roll that I can see, but on the other side where I can see nothing and have to reach and fumble for the fucker. If not for the fact that I would have been really uncomfortable (and probably offended my fellow co-workers, which, although funny, could be socially crippling) for the rest of the day, I would have pulled up my pants and walked right out of the bathroom. It’s one of those times that you wish it was a ghost poo. You know, ghost poo. When one shits and flushes and gets up and wipes ones arse but there’s nothing. You know you in your heart and in your ass that you just took a shit but there’s no evidence of the crime. Speaking of crimes. My list of crimes goes something like this from worst god-awful thing you could ever do on this earth down: 1) murder, 2) rape, 3) putting the TP in the wrong way, and so on and so forth. Actually, 2 and 3 may be tied because the third is a form of rape. When you do it, you’re raping a fellow man or woman of their dignity. But enough about the problem, in an effort to better the world here’s a step by step, Chuck Norris tested and approved, infallible guide to replacing the TP:

Step 1: Grip the TP in your left hand (if left handed you may reverse the direction to accommodate your crippling and demoralizing deformity).

Step 2: Find the beginning of the roll of TP with your free hand. If you’re blind, like some of my friends, you can run the roll under your fingertips like you’re reading brail until you feel a tab or bump. You may want to unroll the TP to make sure that you are setup with the proper “pull towards the body” flow. Beware: if you pull too far the TP will unravel leaving it inoperable. From here you’ll need another roll and you have a mess to clean up later.

Step 3: Grab, with your free hand, the rod or shaft and insert it though the hole in the middle of the TP; get your mind out of the gutter, ingrate.

Step 4: Apply pressure to both ends of the rod shorten it and mounted it in the brackets that are hopefully pre-existing in your humble abode or office. If there are no mounting brackets, you’re fucked and I don’t know what you should do. A suggestion, if maybe you have a little left over, is to upper deck the toilet out of spite. Save this one for office use only kids.

Step 5: Enjoy!

Well there you have it. Feel free to comment if you have any questions. The cell phone is out of commission right now, but 911 is always there if you find yourself in a bind. Lets make this world a better place for everyone, one bathroom at a time.

But seriously, please comment if you read this. Just so I have hope that someone is out there is listening to my idiotic banter. I know I didn’t give you too much to work with here but you’re smart, you’ll come up with something.