Hedgwick with an S

Look, I don't watch TV much anymore, but have things really come to this? How in the hell was The Closer really the number one show last week? Granted, I've never watched it but the previews always looked horrible. I mean Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place for a grievous plagiarization of Law and Order kind of horrible. Like slit your throat in the middle of a pentagram while swinging live cats above your head kind of horrible. Have they gotten better since last year? I don't see how. And for that matter, what does this say about the state of television as a medium and form of entertainment? There's no way someone could glean pleasure from such shoddy delirium. How sad must their pathetic life be to allow such a program to distract them from it. I believe in TV as escapism as much as the next man, but is this really where you wanted to go?

When all the chafe is cleared away, what it all boils down to is there's no way that a women who looks like that could have the highest rated week on TV other than the week hell froze over. Seriously, she's like the sea monster man from a 1960's comic. Gills flapping sloppily from her neck as she places her seaweed encrusted fins around your throat and begins to tighten. By this point, you're begging for death to come swiftly simply to escape her horrific presents. I don't know if she spawned offspring but if so, I pray to God someone killed them on the spot. I'm not ready to deal with the anti-Christ. I know I'm going completely dork with this one but if Voldemort is "he who shall not be named" then that bitch is definitely "she who shall not be named".

I had no idea The Closer was a horror series. You don't see many of them these days but I'm not saying I'm opposed. Simply that I won't watch for fear I'd never go to sleep again. I've been told by at least one credible source that she's not really alive. It was said to me in a comforting tone. I found no solace in it. But let me tell you, if she's the living dead then things are far worse than I ever suspected. Infinately worse. How do you kill something that's already dead? I pray they have directions for it on Wikipedia or the back of milk cartons right next to little Tim's smiling face. That's right, Tim was her last victim. She ate his face off and melted the remains with merely a fiery glance.

I can't believe she has one of my favorite names, for a girl, of all time. I curse her father - the smallest ostrich at the San Diego Zoo - with never ending muscle spasms and an eternity in hell.

As a brief side note, what the hell is a "Hannah Montana"? Apparently, a lot of people are watching one, leading me to assume it's some kind of bear.


Also, on a completely unrelated note, I've started a myspace page in support of the blog and to showcase some of my more melodious work. You may have notice my absence and music is the reason. I've actually been writing quite a bit, I just need to spend a little more time learning the recording equipment to get things not sounding like Kira looks. Uh Oh...tie in...zing!