The Wonder Drug

Ah, water. We’ve been friends for years now but I don’t think I have ever told you how much you mean to me. I’ve attributed so many life-saving properties to you that I feel it is time to acknowledge them in a public forum. The following is a list of reasons why I believe that water, or H₂O as the scientific types like to say, is the greatest drug ever invented by God:

Protection from the Bad Food Bug

I’m under the infallible belief that drink water after eating anything bad for you will inevitably counteract the damaging physical effects the food would have had. For example, if, by chance, I happen to eat at chipotle for lunch, which happens every week so it’s less of chance and more of a certainty. As long as I drink a couple bottles of water when I get back to work, I won’t absorb the 1200 calories or 70 grams of fat I just ate. I know what you’re thinking, “you’re retarded”, but think about it. If you wash that food down with a horde of water, maybe the food will get pushed though by the bum rush (pun intended). In turn, the good old stomach and intestines wouldn’t have the time needed to do their God give job. Thereby, I don’t get fat, or at least not as fat. Sure you’re going to piss out your ass later, but that would have happened anyway. What do you expect; you just ate a burrito the size of your head. There’s no way that thing was going to come out right. And yeah, yeah, my little theory probably doesn’t jive with the biological and physiologic evidence, but don’t burst my bubble man. I need this.

Ultimate Hangover Cure

This one is based somewhat in reality. Out of the hundreds of billions of hangover cures that mankind has invented, I think that the simplest is best. Water, lots and lots of water. I know thus far I’ve been talking strictly about aspects of consuming water but let me expound the discussion in order to show a glimpse of the full power of water. Where is the one place you can go, provided you can stand, where everyone knows your name? No,wait, wrong deal. Where you always find relief from the pounding headache and churning stomach of a truly heinous hangover? That’s right friends, the shower. It’s not some miracle cure but at least it provides some respite from the beast, even if the moment is fleeting. You know what I’m talking about. Steam rising all around you, willing you nostrils and lung to open and fill with the saturated air, water running from you head, neck and back all the way to your feet, gently caressing you ever inch of the way. You know, I can see it in your eyes. Back to the drinking. This theory, nay law, is backed by science because someone very scientific once told me that a person gets hung-over because of dehydration. I don’t remember who that someone was, but the point is that someone said it, so it must be true. And it’s not just true, it’s logical. Everyone knows the only way fix something that is wrong is to do the opposite of the word that describes it. Dehydration => rehydration, i.e. water, fat => running, stupid => cheat sheet. See, it’s just that simple. Give old water a try next time you wake from a night of drunk sex and blackouts. I guarantee it’ll get you going in 24 hours or I’ll give you a complete refund of the purchased price. Patent pending. Patent pending. Patent pending.

Kills all the Critters

That’s right folks, step right up. It’s not just for hangovers anymore. The new and improved water now acts like a disinfectant cure-all to take care of all your ailments. Heart-attacks, here’s a bottle of water. Cancer, you just need more water in diet. Raging case of chlamydia with the hive on the side, no problem ladies and gents, just add water. But seriously, I do believe water can cure any disease known to man. Got a cut, pour some water on it, your good to go. Feeling sick with the flu, drink your water and you’ll pull through. But wait, I’m short changing water. After all, it’s not just the curative powers but the preventative as well. As long as I’m drinking a shit load of water a day, I’ll never get sick, never get hurt, and really never even have a bad day. Did you know water strengthens bones, builds muscle and ultimately makes you a totally sweet and more attractive person? (I didn’t know that until I wrote it right there, oh my god!) Not to mention the inevitable kidney cleaning I’m doing on a constant basis. I piss like 20 times a day. Just as a river erodes the rocks it flows over, so shall my stream erode the tiny pebbles never meant to see the light of day. Pops had one when I was in high school, not a pretty night. I’ve seen what those little fuckers can do and I’ll be damned if I don’t do everything in my power to keep from finding out what it’s personally like.

Plain and simple, water makes you super human. The ability to destroy hangovers, to kill microscopic organisms, to cheat death, and to eat whatever, wherever you want. These are super powers people. Hell, with all the added shit “they” (the man) puts in our water today, we’re already half mutated. All you have to do is drink more water to finish the job. You do want to be a superhero, don’t you?