Small Hands, Smaller Fingers

Work just hired a new guy - I'll name him Willy - and he is the sweetest man alive for one reason and one reason only - He's the smallest fucking dude you've ever seen in your life. He's like mini-me only he's 2/3 the size instead of 1/8 and he's not 2/3 the size of someone, he's just himself. So, maybe he's not like mini-me, but he's small either way. Don't get snowed though, he's no midget, dwarf or little person, though he may qualify by the letter of the law. He's just this tiny little man.

I can't imagine he's an inch over 4'-10". Unfortunately, I haven't worked up the courage to actually measure him. And I can't stop thinking about all the cool places he's been that I'll probably never fit into. All I can hope is that I'm like my grandmother and start to shrink down to a minuscule stature later in life. My dad's been shrinking lately too, so I'd say my chances are pretty good. His world has to be just like Stewart Littles without the whole hiding the tail in public thing. It's all so perfect. He can do anything he wants besides see over a bar. He doesn't have to bend over to see up an attractive woman's skirt, no one will ever get mad if he wants to stand through an entire Raven's game and retrieving something left on the floor is a snap.

Plus, Willy was a freakin' jockey. How cool is that? I'd never met a jockey before and quite honestly I thought they all died on the track or from liver failure. The fact that they can have a life after small-time horse racing boggles the mind. When the oppressive cold releases its grip on the northeast and horse begin to run again, you know where I'll be - at the track, baby! I go not to watch the horses but to see the rest of Willy's former friends and maybe get a couple of autographs. There has to be a way the track owners can get an event together where all the jockeys race sans horses. And they have to skip the whole way. And once a month wear dresses for the race. Oh god, I just had a small orgasm thinking about it.

Willy, you're one hell of an impish guy and I'm pushing for you stick around for a long time. My one request is that you start wearing or producing some kind of audible signal letting people know where you are. I swear, one day I'm going to walk around a cubical wall and accidentally run you over. I don't want that on my conscience.