A Response to the Benevolent Goose

As the title may suggest, this entry is a poor written reaction to a beautifully penned rant by one Goose. Head over to Goosetown and spend some time basking in the glorious glow of his angst-laden prose then return here to lower your IQ to it's normal and infinitely more comfortable sub-eighty level.

On the news:
It's amazing how we were just discussing the goddamn attention whore news and then bam! they prove every point I did or should have made (reference the comment section of "Why Don Imus Hates Black People" by Goose for those not in the know). They're such perpetual assholes it's unbelievable. However, we now have a bigger problem - if you can believe that. I graduated from VT in '03 and had a couple friends, who are fellow alums, head down for the weekend in a show of solidarity and support. One friend, upon arriving in Blacksburg, sent me a text message that read as follows:

"The Scientologists are here"

Between the dickhead media and those alien-born assholes, I'm not sure if my little mountain town will survive. Christ, can't they all just leave well enough alone and let people grieve? The last thing everyone need are a bunch of out-of-town idiots walking around reading folk's thetan levels while having a camera shoved in their face. Go push your propaganda somewhere else, asshats.

On Kirk:
Unfortunately, I can't recall ever having the pleasure of enduring a newscast by Kirk Jimenez. I'll make a point to watch ESPNEWS when this douchebag is on as a form of self punishment for some past transgression - possibly a Winnie Copper masturbation session.

There's a commentator for the Oriole's televised games, I can't remember his name - someone help me out here, who pronounces player's south and central American last names in what he assumes to be their native tongue. The problem is, the player's don't say their own last names like that. The best is Ramon ERnandez (really Hernandez). He says it like such a stuck up asshole. Specifically accentuating his blatant fuck up like it's the holy grail. It's not hard to leave the "h" off a fucking word, moron. It doesn't make you special. Your kids won't hate you any less. The hobos outside the stadium won't begin say hi to you now and the players probably all want to kick your ass. I'd be fucking insulted if I were them. You're an old, out of touch white man. Give up.

"I'm proud to have been raised with Irish overtones, but I don't don a green overcoat and suspenders, dye my hair red, and run around Compton handing out Lucky Charms."

I'm thinking maybe you should. Those Compton kids sure do love their Lucky Charms.

On Entourage:
I don't watch Entourage because I've convinced myself it sucks donkey balls (didn't take much convincing). Poor writing, mediocre acting, questionably stupid situations and the complete lack of plot or point. Need I go on? However, if they somehow get Carla or Emmanuelle, especially Emmanuelle, to shed her clothing I'll be there in a heartbeat. I still won't watch the show but I will be hiding in a bush on set just off screen with a point and shot camera in one hand and...let's just call it something else...in the other. That girl is some kind of smoking hot.

And Goose, you're right, nudity can fix any show. I don't know how HBO hasn't hired you as a full time writer simply because of your ingenious ideas. You probably could have saved countless shows, and not just on HBO, that met a premature demise. Arrested Development, Reunion, The Care Bears. It'd give new meaning to the "care bear stare". I honestly thought that they had figured it out already but it seems they are in need of you now more than ever. There's nothing like convincing a young naive starlet to disrobe for the lens. In fact, when they hire you as a writer, put in a good word for me. I'll be the guy that talks them into doing the nude scenes you write. I've already honed my persuasion skills to a fine point from multiple spring break trips and a weekend stop in New Orleans some years ago. Some finely crafted examples so you know I'm legit:

"Of course this orgy scene will be shot tastefully."

"Yes, I know Brian was originally scripted as an attractive young man but the director thought it would appeal to a wider audience if Brain was played by a miniature horse. His name is Bucky, his favorite color is green and he eats grass for a living. "

"The other six girls in this scene said they didn't have a problem doing ass-up apple bobbing in a gigantic pool of jello pudding. You don't want to be left out do you?"

"The budget's a little tight on this one so were only going to have one take. If, by accident?, we get a shot of your hoo-ha or dirtstar, we'll just put a little smiley face over it in post production. It'll look classy and we have to keep the rating under NC-17."

"Don't you want to be famous? This is your big break. Everyone will know your name after we hang you, stark naked, upside down from your toes and have four dwarves nibble at your fingers. It's a very artistic scene and I think it really captures the essence of Barbra Bush."

And I've turned into Joe Francis. Nasty.

On Bjork:
I can't comment on Bjork as I don't know what it is. Sounds scary though.

On The Wonder Years:
First, I have to point out that you wrote the words "Scott Baio" no less than five times. I'm not going to ask the obvious questions or offer any sagely advice. Instead, I just want you to think about what you've done for a second. In the immortal words of Lon Solomon: "Not a sermon, just a thought."

Conversely, I'm extremely jealous that you have a channel reruning the king of all adolescent life dramas, The Wonder Years. You're so lucky to have ION and I'm happy to see that you recognize what a blessing you've been given. I would kill for the privilege of gracing my eyes and ears with Wonder Years reruns. Literally, I'd kill a man. Maybe if I had The Wonder Years I wouldn't cry myself to sleep every night. But alas, we'll never know. As far as Winnie goes, I haven't thought about Ms. Copper in many years but I've got a strange feeling she might pay a visit tonight after I fall asleep. I'm going to pop a half bottle of Ambien chased with a liter of Nightquil now just to make sure. Our moments together are so fleeting. She like Halley's comet, coming only once every 75 years. Me on the other hand...that's another story. If only I could stop time and spend a never ending night with her short skirted, knee-highed self. I would sing her sweet love songs and whisper furtive nothings in her ear. We would be as one as any 26 years old man and 13 year old girl have ever been. Yup, the sirens are getting closer now. But it's ok, I'm 26. Take Goose, he's 27 and that's just plain wrong.