A Letter to Tito

Dear Tito,

First, let me express my condolences. Sometimes the label doesn't accurately describe the product. Sometimes the nicely wrapped box with a pretty bow doesn't contain what you were hoping it did. We all make poor decision out of ignorance. You couldn't have seen the future. You didn't know this would happen. Take courage in the fact that you have the power to end it. You're not trapped in the corner of the octagon, a muscle-bound madman bearing down on you, fists and legs and blood flailing. You're in the center of the ring and all you have to do it grab the microphone, call the fight and declare yourself the winner.

I, for one, would have never guessed that the women responsible for so many masturbatory emissions over the years would do something so heinous to herself. I loved her, just like the rest, back in the day. But it's inconceivable, regardless of the fact that she took dick for a living, that she'd want to transform herself into a tranny. I've seen skeletons at the Smithsonian I've been more attracted to. At least with them I got enough to crown. She, on the other hand, makes everything want to curl up into a little ball and retract inside my body cavity. You thought you were getting one of the highest profile, most sexually attractive women on the planet and instead they sent you a half-human, stick-like, rebuilt and modified cyborg hell bent on the destruction of all humanity. Right after she destroys your manhood, dignity, self confidence and self worth. I'm sure sticking your piece in that thing is a rush akin to skydiving, cliff diving or spelunking. It's life or death, baby. But really, all I can think of is that sequence from Seven depicting lust, where the guy has the contraption strapped to his area. Except the reverse of that and it's been permanently integrated. How the hell do you screw up a vagplasty anyway? I don't want to know.

Look buddy, you've had a great career and accomplished a lot. A lot more than I'm sure you ever dreamed. So, for your sake, don't screw things up now. There are plenty of hot, feminine looking, semi-innocent, naive women out there who would be more than happy to let you plow into them. If I were you, I go bark up as many of those trees as possible. When I finally tired of that, I'd find a nice sophisticated lady with low self esteem and take her to the county were we'd live on a farm for chickens and ducks. We'd laugh, frolic through the meadows on sunny afternoons and have anal when it rained. You're a great fighter, Tito, but picking a fight with that six million dollar vag just might end up being your last.

Your friend,
Calitri