5 Questions

So I’m sitting here drinking a pitcher of beer by myself (yes a pitch, but it’s ok because I’m pouring it into a San Diego Padres pint glass, which I cried into last night) and waiting to head to the bar to watch the Ravens hopefully whip up on the Broncos. Irregardless, I wanted to write my idea down before I forget it. So here it goes.

ESPN the magazine did an interview with Kris Benson and, by default, Anna Benson. I can’t remember which issue it was exactly but I’m pretty sure it was the first issue that I got after signing up for insider. I read the aforementioned interview and came to the conclusion that Anna is a total whore bag, skank, bitch who barely lets her husband answer a question. Now that were into postseason baseball and, as usual, the Orioles aren't a part of it, I’ve been reflecting on the season and I decided that the only fitting thing to do to honor the O’s abysmal season is to come up with a list of questions I would ask Kris Benson about Anna. I therefore give the following the dubious title of, 5 questions for Kris Benson about Anna Benson:

1. When out in public, if Anna hears any AC/DC song, does she randomly break into a stripper dance? Does she beginning to gyrate uncontrollably, grinding up against anything that moves? Does she present her floppy tits and make 8 year old boys motorboat them? Does she swing upside-down from street signs and light poles? Because, I can only imagine that she does. I can see it now. Your walking with Anna through the grocery store and AC/DC’s “Givin The Dog a Bone” comes on over the loudspeaker (I know they don’t play AC/DC in grocery stores but it’s my dream world damn it!) and Anna grabs a cucumber and deep-throats the fucker. Then she begins pole dancing on an old man’s cane as she rips her clothes off while touching herself. Damn that’s a sweet dream.

2. How desperate were you when you went to a strip club and attempted, successfully, to pick up a stripper to date and eventually marry? Seriously, you’re a major league baseball player. You can throw a ball over 90 mph. You make serious bank for doing something fun and have a life that most men would envy, Anna aside. Did you commit this act of desperation before or after you contemplated/attempted suicide?

3. How much did your buddies pay you to go home with the stripper? I can see banging a stripper on a one night stand to impress your comrades. I can even understand if maybe you had some trouble shaking her after that initial night. Maybe, she was a crazy bitch and stalked the crap out of you. Maybe, you had to get body guards to fight her, her love letters and her calls off. But really, how much did your friends pay you to marry the bitch? It better be ten’s of millions for a guy like you. A normal shmuck like me, I’d do it for 10 grand or so, that’s a lot of money for me. But for someone who makes millions, you should own someone’s soul for this one. You may have pulled off the greatest bet of all time.

4. Are you ok with the fact that, to the public, it looks like she has your balls in a lockbox she wears around her neck? There have been a lot of powerful and influential women over the course of history. But being dominated by a stripper, not a dominatrix, but just a regular, run of the mill, white trash stripper. You’re subjugated to a woman who will take her top off for a dollar. I probably have more control over your wife than you do because she already has all of your dollars. (Sidenote: Michele Tafoya, no. No, no, no, no, no. Sideline reports are supposed to be hot, or at least not made for radio. Sorry, I'm watching Monday Night Countdown on ESPN.)

5. How in the hell does it not kill you that your wife has fucked the amount of people it would take to fill the Grand Canyon? What, you think you were the first rich moron she snogged looking to get in with the money? Her website plays Kayne West’s “Gold Digger” during the intro for the love of god. And that's after you married the bitch. Did your kids just fall out of her when she stood up? How do you even know they are your kids? Is her vagina the place you go when you feel alone because you fit and it’s dark and warm?

Alright, I realize that was technically more than 5 questions, but some of the questions were multipart and therefore count as one. I was thinking of writing the responses that I wished Kris had to these questions but I don’t want to put words in his mouth. Anna does that enough for him.