A Hitchhiker's Guide to Bagging a Bar Wench

Alrighty, this one’s for Shnookums and I fully expect him to put my theory to the test as soon as possible. Kid, maybe you can verify if my sure fire plan here actually works. Just a word of warning before I start; I would test this theory myself, but not being in the dating world precludes me. The little lady would be none too pleased with me and all my shit would be out on the street. You say cop out, I say preservation of my way of life. Not to mention, if I were single, bartenders tend not to be my type. Their constant dedication to and association with alcohol is something I hold in high regard. However, they’re full of drama, a pain in the ass to pick up (work which I’m unwilling to do), and on occasion can turn out to be a real bitch. This theory is based solely on observations made living and working in bars since I was sixteen.

The bartenderess is fabled and mythical creature. Unpredictable and impossible to tie down for more than a night, she prances about in our dreams like a pixie caught in an updraft. The battle to win that one night of lust and fornication will be a long and arduous one. To tame the mighty beast or beauty, depending on what you’re into, one must understand it. The delicate psyche of this flower you are trying to pluck could snap like a twig at the slightest of slip-ups and get you at best thrown out of the bar and at worst pummeled by a group of large men with or without clubs. Let’s delve shall we?

Point 1: She’s heard it all and almost nothing you can say will be funny or original. Leave the stupid jokes and one-liners at home kids, there’s no place for that kind of tom-foolery when there’s serious work to be done.

Point 2: She’s a busy woman most of the time and if you interrupt her and keep her from getting her job done she’ll get pissed and you won’t have a shot in hell. She’ll give you the amount of time she deems you worth of. All you can you do is anything to make yourself more worth or her time.

Point 3: It takes a special breed of woman to be a bartender. The ability to innocently flirt while not getting to personal in order to get bigger tips is a delicate balancing act that few women can manage on a regular basis. She handles highly stressful situation well but generally doesn’t want to add any more stress to her life. She likes sports more than your average women. She’s smart and quick witted, probably more so than you, so you’re going to have to stay on your toes. She can handle her alcohol, again probably better than you can. We need to get you into training right away. Come on.

Now we’ve come to the meat and potatoes of the theory if you will. Let’s call this Plan A (I don’t know why I felt the need to give it a letter considering that there’s only one plan. Wait…I just thought of another one, slightly less intelligent but much more daring. Here’s how it goes down. Park your car in the parking lot and take off at a dead sprint towards the bar. Bypass the bouncer, he’ll probably be fat so you can make it, and proceed, still running, to the nearest opening at the bar. Approximately 3 feet from the bar, launch yourself into the air landing on the bar and sliding off it behind the bar. Pick yourself up and remove your sword, that’s right I said sword. Carefully, yet forcefully, carve your name and phone number into the shirt of the bar maiden you are trying to woo ala Zorro. Sheath your sword, for safety sake, grab the rope in your left hand. Give two firm tugs on the rope and hang on as you’re whisked away to safety. If that doesn’t get her spread eagle, naked, lying on a bear skin rug, in your apartment by last call, I don’t know what will.). Caution. Plan A is not a one night thing. If you want to bag the best lay of your life you’re going to have to set aside some time and your liver right now to get it done (I estimate 2 to 3 weeks for the average man). If you're looking for a quick lay, buy yourself a hooker.

Step 1: Find “The One”. This is the sense that everyone else uses “The One”, right? You know what I mean, pick out the chick you want to pork.

Step 2: Do a background check. Not a real background check (if you have the financial well-being to afford it, maybe), just go to the bar she works at and start gathering intelligence. If you do a good job here, you’ll cut the work to get this thing done in half. The most important things to note are: 1) Single or taken, 2) Her regular work schedule (bartenders often float and have no set schedule per say but there are always days they like working more than others and will request sed days. Friday night is always a good one because it’s generally the night when they get the most customers, between happy hour and late night, and therefore bigger tips. I always worked on Friday nights busing and barbacking for this reason. Plus, the boss normally wants his best looking girls working on the biggest nights) 3) What make her laugh or smile? What are other people saying or doing that amuses her? Don’t pay attention to the fake smiles, and trust me she’ll throw a lot of those, only figure out what people say and do that really makes her smile and laugh. The ability to distinguish between the two smiles is key to this step and you may want to practice as a side project on your own. During the background check stage, make sure not to attract attention to yourself. Take friends with you to the bar, so if she does notice you, she’ll at least see that you’re social and not a complete loser. Finally, when you talk to her during this phase, be polite and pay your tab. No extra conversation at this time. Note: If during Step 2 you discover that she has a boyfriend, I’d advise to let it go and start over and return to Step 1. You’re in for a lot of work and seeing as he’s already where you want to be, there’s no question that he’s better at this than you. If during Step 2 you discover that she has a girlfriend, press on young man, press on.

Step 3: Getting noticed. Look, I hate to break this to you but you’re not the best looking guy in the world and if you were you wouldn’t have any trouble picking up any chick you wanted to, so this post would be useless to you anyway. Therefore, the easiest way to swing the odds in your favor is by eliminating the other players. Go to the bar off peak hours. By this point you should know which days of the week she works so go on a week day, during the day if possible or just at the start of happy hour before everyone arrives to drink their memory of the day away. Catching her when she’s not busy, with few people in the bar, and time to talk is important. This isn’t the step where you seal the deal, so don’t go overboard with the conversation. Nothing cheesy to start the conversation. Something like, “Hi, how’s your day going?” Simple question, but hopefully she gives you something to go on. Carry on short conversations at first, letting the conversation die naturally. Never start to force the conversation as this will create friction. You can throw a little wit in from time to time and maybe a little cockiness (I’ll call if self confidence) but don’t lay either on too thick and absolutely no preconceived jokes. You’re goal here is to get her talking about stuff outside of the bar and to be seen in her eyes as the nice guy. She deals with assholes all day and your presents should be a breathe of fresh air. You can’t be just another nice guy shlub though, you have to be THE nice guy. It’s a thin line to walk but that’s where the self confidence and the witty add that extra spice that makes a blah dish a delicacy.

Step 4: Sealing the deal. This has to be the culmination of your being if you know what I mean. First, go the bar when it’s busy but not packed. You’ll need the crowd to gage the amount of interest your prey has in you. If she notices you and spends a little time talking to you when you first sit down, you’re golden. Full steam ahead. If not, go back to Step 1 and block out another two weeks of you life in your day planner. Going with the full steam ahead, tonight your going to be a little edgier than you’ve been before. Put your wit and self confidence in overdrive. Maybe insult her a little bit over something inconsequential. For example, “Wow, you really suck at cutting those limes.” It has to be about some stupid and meaningless but that you’ll get a reaction from. This may seem like a bold play and it is but tonight was meant for the bold not the weak and you didn’t put in all this work for nothing. It will get her thinking maybe your not just the nice guy she thought you were. Depth of your character and intrigue on her part are vital. If you screw up and do actually insult her and piss her off, go back to Step 1 because you’re fucked and not in the good way. With great risk comes great reward, my friend. A classy move, which never occurred to me until I read it the other day, is to bring a single rose to the bar for her that night. Its draws positive attention to her, reassures the nice guy thing, and declares your intentions, maybe not your actual intentions but at least the intentions you want her to think, without saying a word. I don’t think I should even have to mention this but it has to be red unless you know what her favorite color is. You’re in for the long haul tonight buddy and hopefully you’ll be fucking as the sun come up so it’s important to pace yourself with the drinks. It would be ashame to get all the troops lined up and then not be able to come to attention at the proper time. Have a shot or two with her to loosen her up, but other than that, keep the drinking to a slow and steady pace, just enough to get her to come over and talk to you every once in a while. Stay till last call and at the end of the night ask her if she wants to meet you for a coffee after she gets off. If you get denied or don’t think your going to have a chance of docking the plane in the hanger that night, just ask for her number. Getting her number is about as good as getting in and it’s basically a rain check for later so don’t get all impatient on me. Of course, there are always other ways of playing the seal the deal night. For example, there’s “sad guy”, where you act like something is wrong in your life and you’re in need of the consolation only your bartender friend can offer. And of course many others. It’s all about reading the defense and calling the right play.

There you have it. Now go out and put it to good use. Get those bartenderess’ laid! Heya! Actually, this post ended up sounding like a poorly written Maxim article. If you’ve ever read Maxim, then you know how large of a cut down I just laid on myself. Self-deprecation hurts. Oh, and let me know if the theory works or not. I’m fairly certain, if executed to the tee (should that just be the letter or the word?), the plan is fool-proof. Any personal experiences anyone would like to share? Any other theory, more or less proven, out there anyone would like to throw into the ring? I’ll take’m.