The Yearbook

A friend, who will remain nameless, mostly because I’m embarrassed for him, was talking to a girl through the dating website eharmony.com and found out that she lives in my home town and graduated high school the same year as I did. Last night during MNF, between Shnookums and myself we couldn’t figure out who this girl was and it was bugging us. So, the little lady, who also went to high school with us, goes and gets my high school year book because she thinks she knows this girls identity. She looks up the suspected target and it turns out to be a wholly unattractive girl that we all kind of remember but none of us really knew. She was into drama and, not to sound elitist or anything, that wasn’t the crowd that I was hanging out with. Suffice it to say that our unnamed friend has promised to cut off contact with drama girl from high school upon our urgings.

After everyone went home thinking Arizona had the game in the bag, (silly bastards) I stayed on the couch and peruse the old senior class yearbook. What I found was pretty disturbing and therefore I’ve decide to put all my quotes in the yearbook up here and critique them one by one. Here we go.

“I plan to sit back, relax, and not let life pass me by”

- Senior Quote

I hated this one even before I graduated. I think I regretted writing it the day after I turned it in. Being on the yearbook staff, I should have strategically gone through the pile of quotes when no one was looking, removed the sheet with my name on it, taken it to the bathroom and burned it. Maybe that would have been a little extreme, but at least I should have changed it to something classy. I’ve had nightmares about that damn quote ever since it crept out of my mush brain and found its way to a piece of paper. However, looking back over some of the other people’s quotes gave me some respite. Let me tell you, they make mine look like fucking Shakespeare or something divinely inspired by God to be included in the good book. I don’t think it would be prudent to post some of my favorites, so you’ll have to take my word on it. If you really need to see some examples, get out your own high school year book and take a look. I’m sure making up dim-witted quotes is a national problem.

“You should do what your heart truly desires, do as much as you can, and touch as many people’s lives in a positive way as possible.”

- My answer to the question: What is the most valuable thing you’ve learned in school?

Holy fuck, I am gay. Son of a bitch, I can’t believe I didn’t see this early. Shit, I’m surprised this quote didn’t ruin my life entirely, though it does explain a lot of things. For instance, this must by why every time my father addresses me, the sentence ends with “fag”. It’s probably also the reason homeless guys don’t ask me for money on the streets and instead try to avoid my gaze and shake their heads. Honestly, I can’t believe I have any friends at all after that. Even now, I’d liken myself to Chernobyl, blew up years ago but still not safe to return. I’m damage goods. My friends must be infinitely more understanding than I. They make Mother Teresa look like a serial rapist. Apologies to my little but lady, but it looks like I’m batting for the other team. You can’t tell me you didn’t know, you read the quote. Alright Shnookums, now that I’ve come out, I’m coming over to make sweet sweet love tonight. You’re my best friend and I want my first time to be with you and those gently hands of yours.

Putting on the brakes. That was just too heavy. I have to stop now lest I discover that my mother is an alien and my dog hates me. There are a few other quotes and a couple of articles I horribly wrote, laced throughout the yearbook, which I have left out. I covered the cream of the crop. I’m going to go dunk my head in the toilet and drowned myself. Either that or drink myself into a stupor and run through the neighborhood naked while expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song. See you on the other side.