Please Be a Deer

Oh, hello there. Sorry to scary you there. I didn't want to but I felt I needed to pass the good vibrations on. The surreptitious Kristen sent me a link to the extremely pissed off deer you see above the other day in a vain attempt to scare me. Why is she trying to scare? I don't know. I didn't do anything to her and it's no where near Halloween. We'll just have to assume she's weird and move on. So I followed the link and this hideous creature greeted me on the other side of the web address. Apparently, you can by this thing as a decoration to match your cotton candy gay-ass studio apartment on the upper east side. Without reading the directions, I'm assuming you place your pink deer head on a coffee table or use it as a center piece. It may have also come with a wall mount but I'm not sure because I promised myself I'd never go back to that website. One should really be tactful when placing such a tacky object around the house, don't you think? Hell, with this thing you could probably put it anywhere. There's nothing the monstrosity won't look stupid next to.

Obviously, it's supposed to be something of a conversation piece, which got me thinking about what kind of conversations you could have.

All of the following answer your friend's question, "What the hell is that thing?"
Conversation 1:
Oh, that's a bust of my first girlfriend. They were giving away free busts at the mall so we decided to walk up and get hers done. Isn't the detail amazing. They really captured her image perfectly. Those sculptors are simply fabulous. Her name was Pam and we meet my Sophomore year of High School. I know you've never met her but she was one of the best kissers. I keep her form around to remember the good old days. I should show you a picture so you can better appreciate the high quality of the bust. I know what you're thinking and the answers yes, the pink is a little bit of artistic interpretation but everything else is spot on. You'll see. Just let me find that picture.

Conversation 2:
You know how I'm an avid hunter? Well this is one of my prize kills. I got her on a three continent hunting trip. The trip passed through Gaysilvania and we stopped for a few days to track and kill these majestic and cunning animals. They're very rare indeed and exceptionally hard to find. After hiking over mountains and grass land for more than a week, we finally made it to one of the three alpine stream used by this worthy adversary. We made camp on the first night and everything was relatively quiet beside the insentient chirping of our trusty shurpa, Bob. Really, he lost his tongue in a war of some kind and now communicated solely with chirps. In the morning we rose and I walked to the stream to take a piss. What I didn't know was these little pink bastards are extremely territorial and the reason people have never heard of them is because no one has ever survived an encounter to tell treir tale. Needless to say, they didn't like me pissing in their favorite watering hole. The largest stag of the group distinguished himself, striding towards me and stopping within five yards of where I stood. He pause for a moment and then addressed me.

"Stopping fucking pissing our stream, asshole. We saw you pricks last night and didn't think it was funny then. In fact, I think I'm going to have to kick your ass right now!", He said. I didn't understand what he said at the time because I was still groggy. Now, I can't get those thirty-three words out of my head.

Instinctively, I searched for my gun but it was no were to be found and the beast was close enough I could feel his steamy breath on my neck. With the quickness of a mountain cat, I reached out and grabbed the bastard by his shinning horns. We wrestled for what seemed like days. Rolling and tossing and turning over and over again. We were quite evenly matched but in the end I snapped his neck after fifteen minutes. My hands still bare the glitter encrusted scares of that mighty battle.

Conversation 3:
When a reindeer is born retarded it comes out pink. After a week, Santa cuts off the head and auctions it off to the highest bidder. I won it this week on ebay with a bid of twenty three dollars. Isn't it sweet?


Switching gears back to quasi-reality, the most confusing part of the whole piece is that the deer seems to be anatomically correct and yet it's pink. Maybe my artistic tastes aren't advanced enough to enjoy the irony because the points totally lost on me. Shouldn't this thing look like a fucking cartoon deer? If you wanted a pink deer, wouldn't you design it with rosy bubble cheeks, and oversized mouth and a tuft of hair on top resembling a troll doll? It's already pink, why not go all the way? I'd even be ok with it if it looked like the Bambi cartoon.

Oh Chirst, I didn't even think of this before, but what about the kids? I would have wet myself if I had seen this sitting on someones dining room table. I'm not sure whether it'd be out of fear or joy but it's piss either way. The antlered head protruding from the table with no sign of a body would have sent me into a tail spin. I would have tried to eject but like Goose (Top Gun, not blogger) I'd hit my head on something and die. I swear to God they should have a warning telling anyone with a pulse to keep out of eye shot. One steely glance from it's glass eye will turn your balls to stone. Just two tiny pebbles clinking together in a sack. Even if you escape the initial encounter, the long term psychiatric effects could be devastating. Speaking of psych effects, if I write about this any more I'm going to kick my own ass.

If anyone is out of their mind and would like to buy the eye sore, you can find it here. Anyone know how much that is in dollars? Because it should work out to negative 3 million to cover pain, suffering and emotional scarring associated with buying this product.