Baby Talk

I'm feeling motivated, which is good, because I hurt my hand yesterday during a softball game and typing hurts. There are definate pluses and minuses to pitching in softball. The good thing is you're involved in every play, no time to stand around and get bored. The bad thing is some of those plays involve the large white ball you just tossed into the air getting smacked back at your head at 100 mph. Luck for me, as I fell while retreating up the mound, I managed to get my glove up in self defense and catch the ball that was hell-bent on lodging itself in my face. However, I didn't quite get the ball totally with the webbing, there was some palm involved, and thus I sit here today with a bruised and hurting hand.

Apparently, every person with a kid, at least a newborn/infant/toddler, thinks that their kid is the second coming of Christ himself. I'm not an expert on Revelations but I'm pretty sure that when Christ returns he's coming back in some kick ass way. Trumpets, angels, clouds parting, a light show, maybe even free cotton candy for all the good christians. He's already done the whole birthing, vagina, placenta thing and once was enough. Sidenote: How weird do you think that was for him? I have to believe he was conscious during the whole thing. Uhh...seeing your own birth in first person, I don't even want to thing about it. The worst is having to hear someone talk about their christ-like child, especially when you have no vested interest in the kid. You're not the kids uncle, aunt, cousin, god-parent or clown to be used on 4th birthday. You've probably seen the kid once and thought it was ugly. Now you have to listen to someone recount the most trival and mundane events in the kids life like: "my baby stood up and held onto a chair for four hours", or "my baby is sleeping the whole night through, isn't it wonderful", or "every time I pick my kid up I have to hold on to him tight because they just want to go and go". Please, for the love of god, shut up. I'm attempting to shove pencils in my ears right now, just reliving the experiences. I'll have to get them deep though, as the voices are in my head. Yup, felt a crunch, I'm almost there.

If people are going to talk about there kids, why can't they wait for something worthwhile to talk about. Here are some suggestions: "my kid fell down a well" (of course this one I would have already known about since Lassie would have told me earlier, but I'm always down for the retelling of a good kid in a well story), or "my kid puked the most disgusting shit I've seen" (kids puke, adults puke, everyone pukes so why not talk about it? It's just like shitting, and you know my feelings on that subject), or, one last one cause I like things in threes, "I took my kid to the baseball game yesterday and he was hit by a fowl ball right in the noggin'" (going back to my getting hit by balls theme...don't even say it). All perfectly good stories that would be entertaining to anyone and I'm sure there are millions more out there. Stories for the masses. If your kid is just plain uninteresting and boring, cause a story to happen, push timmy into that well. Look at Britney Spears, granted, she is an entertainer and technically it is her job, but she's put that kid (Sean Preston, not douche-bag K-fed) in more story telling situations than anyone in recent memory. "My baby rolled off the bed and has brain damage", "My baby fell out of his high chair and has brain damage", "My baby drove my car and I have brain damage". I mean the friggin' women is a goddamn genious. She should probably write this post but then again, not being able to read generally procludes you from being able to write. I'll ask the little lady for confirmation on that when she gets home. I hope that I don't bore people with stupid stories about my kids whenever I end up having them. I swear I'll do my best and if I fail, remind me about what I wrote here and I will happily kick my own ass. Ok, the venting is done. The stack is clear. Peace and baby grease. I'm out.