I Want to Suck Your Blood! A Holloween Tribute to the Fruit Fly

I'm not starting a question of the day thing, but there is something that I need to know. Therefore, I'll put it to the internet in hopes that one of the nameless mass has the answer to my question. Answer me damn it!

Do vampires poop?

The origin of the questions stems from a trip to the bathroom today in which I had to drain the lizard. I don't know how pissing and questions about taking a shit are related or how in the synapses in my brain fired in a way to make me think of such things. All I can figure is the environment of the bathroom put me in an excrement thinking kind of state. It happens a lot and, yes, I do think I have a problem. Post post edit: I was thinking about vampires because I had just seen a picture of Kristen Dunst. Enough said.

My first impression was that vampires do poop because all living things poop. People poop. Birds poop. Your grandmother poops, maybe sans diaper. But the longer I wrestled with it, the more I started to believe they don't. First off, are vampires alive or not? When you get bit, do you die and are reborn into the world of the undead or do you make the transition without death and leave the undead gig to mummies and zombies? Someone bring in Bram Stoker, I need a professional opinion. They have to be undead, which isn't exactly alive. In the movies vampires always talk about living forever. That's the perk you get for never being able to see the light of day. I never saw Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise pop a squat in "Interview with a Vampire". Of course, Tom doesn't shit in real life either because he's an alien. The only shit that comes out of him passes over his tongue and through his teeth.

Let's assume for now that vampires do possess some kind of "life", undead or otherwise, as it allows me to continue writing. Since they don't eat, would they have to deuce anyway? Vampires drink blood, they don't eat their victims. They're not werewolves for the love of god. They're civilized. If you're drinking blood all the time, why would you have to do anything besides relieve the trouser snake every once in a while? Do vampires eat regular food just for shits and giggles? They don't have to, you know. They live forever and blood is like their redbull. Would a taco bell burrito give a vampire the shits? I've seen a corpse shit years after eating one smunchy chilupa. There is no magic strong enough, in heaven or hell, to hold back the bowels after heading for the border. Did you know that taco bell is the only food both God and Satan won't eat? Neither created it, it just showed up one day and they're both terrified of it. Especially now that all three are on the same corporate level after being bought by McDonalds.

I wish I knew someone who thought they were a vampire so I could make fun of them.