Oh When the Dogs Go Marching In

Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you there. I apologize for the nightmares you're sure to experience because of the picture above. You'll be even more terrified to know that I actually took the picture from a video, which you can see here among other places. If you value your life you won't watch the video. Just stay here at let me tell you what you're looking at. It's a workout video of a former fatty turned Popeye (she shows a picture of herself in large human form at the beginning of the video). Just from the look of the things, the "this must be Asian" light and siren should be going off like crazy in your head. But, I'm sad to say, you'd be wrong to think that, as the bitch in the center speaks English. Tough to believe? I know, I had trouble wrapping my feeble mind around the concept, myself. In order to keep the confusion to a minimum, something I'm sure is impossible, I will hereby be refering to tallest bitch in the center with the pink on as, "Master", and the rest of the supporting cast as, "the pack". I was told that one of them was actually a human but for the life of me I can't tell which one.

I'll tackle the the pack first and work my way to the queen bee. Now, i know we, as a society, have made some impressive advances in the field of science over the past century, but I didn't think we had perfected the long sought after crossing breeding of a person and a poodle. I want to meet the guy who fucked the poodle and kick his ass. This new race of poodle-headed munchkins are destine for world domination and I can only assume that this is one of their training videos preceeding the advanced combat and weapons training. They're poodles that can hold guns. I didn't really like poodles before but now I doubt I'll ever be able to look at one again without the urge to kill it to save all humanity. When the bible taked about the end times, it mentioned a seven headed dog. I'm thinking they mistranslated the passage and the actually language should read "seven dog-headed people". Goddamn, those things are frightening. How would you like to be walking down a dark alley when, suddenly out of no where, you feel something brush against your leg. You look back just in time to see a giant white puffball with teeth flying at your head. Awesome halloween costume though.

On to the Master. She may have been human once long ago. In fact, she may have sired the small army you see behind her. Apparently, she was fucked by so many poodles that she became a mutated form of one of them. Just replace puffy leg and arm fur and a tail with muscle. I believe it has something to do with osmosis and being built for speed, not comfort. It's obvious she has a telepathic link to her spawn, allowing them to stay in perfect step with her. She's the ultimate warrior general. Just look at the symbol hanging above her head on the back. If that doesn't look like a hand giving the nazi "heil!", I don't know what does. I believe, if you watch the video you'll see this, she also has some kind of instanteous chameleon power which lets her singlet change color in the blink of an eye.

There's no way I'm leaving the office today lest I run into this obstreperous band of poodleople (poodle+people) and their rabid whore of a leader. Actually, I'm hiding under the desk with my keyboard typing this message. I can't even see the monitor so excuse my typos. No one and no where is safe from these things. I shouldn't say anymore in case they've learned to use the internet.