A Car Wreck Christmas

I have to get this in before christmas because if I wait till later it will be a truly offensive act that I won't be able to write about since I'll be in jail for the murder of a neanderthal. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about people hanging wreaths from the front grill of their cars. Few things around the christmas season make me want to peal my skin off more than those damn wreaths.

First off, the wreath is a dumb idea. I'm being a little hypocritical here considering that I have one hanging from my front door but I can tell you that I didn't put it there and if it were up to me, it would be providing warmth to homeless people as the flames engulf it. Wait, here's one stick and here's another stick. The only logical course of action must be to entwine them and force them into a donut shaped circle. No! Who in the hell came up with this shit? I understand that decorations typically serve no purpose outside of looking nice, but wreaths don't even make that cut.

Leave your wreaths at home. I don't need to see them as I drive to work or when I'm trying to convince the hooker to get in the car for five dollars. You're going to be flying down the highway and the wreath you secured to the car with twisty ties is going to come loose and cause a twenty car pile up, killing two and injuring countless others. Then who's going to have a good christmas? No one. Your car looks retarded. I mean more retarded. It was a perfectly fine looking automobile and then you got in. That's when everything went downhill. The wreath is the burger king crown to top off your stupidity.

Speaking of crowns, my biblical history may be fuzzy from the raging hangover I'm suffering through, couldn't the crown of thorns placed on Jesus' head as he carried the cross to the hill of the skull be consider a wreath? And wouldn't the use of a wreath, in a way, celebrate christ's murder? And when you display a wreath, you'd actually be parading the joy you gleaned from the death of our savior for the entire commuting populous to see. You sick son of a bitch.

This whole wreath on cars thing is first small space rock that falls to earth, warning us of the monstrous asteroid that's on a collision course with our planet and is sure to destroy us all. I've read the signs and searched the ancient manuscripts. What is this colossal asteroid hell bent on ending humanity? Eventually, some asshat will figure out a way to add christmas lights to his car. That's when we all die. You know it's true. Their going to figure out a way to commercialize car christmas lights and then everyone is going to want it. Nuclear power plants will explode and governments will topple because of my rage. Please, let's stop things now, before it's too late.