Lost and Found

Myself and Special K were sitting in a to remain unnamed bar in college park on a sparkling cool December day, enjoying a well earned brew after a hard morning's three hours of work. We went in for lunch, but decided that we might as well close out the day there, it being the holidays and all, we didn’t feel like being in the office for any extended period of time. We finished our delicious sandwiches, Special K's was a triple decker club on rye and I had the grilled chicken with bacon, Monterey jack cheese and ranch dressing, and we were working our way up to a twelve pack combined.

The bar was more or less empty. The head count in total included one bartender, two waitresses and a cute hostess who wasn't on yet but had stopped in for lunch and was sitting at the bar next to Special K. I couldn't tell you what she was eating as those aren't the things you pay attention to at first when a pretty girl sits down next to you. You only move on from the sexy actions like a flick of the hair over the shoulder or gentle caress of an arm to the mundane things she’s interacting with an hour or two into the starring contest. I never made it that far thanks to the efforts of one heroic man.

Considering the lack of occupants in the bar, any new addition at least got a glance and quick summation from the staples, myself and bar friends, upon entry to the bar area. Even if the bar had been packed to the gill with all manner of horny, beautiful, naked women who were all bouncing up and down in unison, I still would have noticed this guy. The best way I can think to describe him would be think about a cross between a samurai warrior, Leonardo (of ninja turtle fame) and Shaggy from Scooby Do. The samurai warrior and Leonardo do seem to accomplish the same objective but the only thing you should take from the samurai is his hair do, the rest can be ninja turtle. Which personality should be used for your mental half man half turtle will become apparent in time.

Our hero enters the bar through the nearest opening in the partition dividing the dining area from the bar and begins to look around, going from table to table, the divinating look of one Sherlock Holmes etched on his face. The unknown object for which he searches seems to elude his gaze but his determination and lack of short term memory persuade him to continue searching the small room over and over again for another five minutes. Finally, convinced that his current course of action will not lead him to his prize, he moves on to plan "b".

"Hey," the hero says, beckoning to the bartender, the slightest look of confusion on his face.

"Yeah, what can I get for you?" the bartender, who can't be more than twenty one and looks more like he's eighteen, responds with the self assurance of a seasoned beer-slinging veteran.

"Do you guys have a lost and found?" Considering the previous actions of our hero to date, this seemed the next logical step in the process and frankly, those sitting at the bar, myself included, were amazed that things were following logic.

"We'll, we keep the stuff that people leave here behind the bar in case they come back for it. What are you looking for?"

"You don't have a birth certificate behind there do you?"

"Ahh....."

"I had it with me here last night but now I can't find it. I lost my ID a couple of weeks ago and it was all I had." At this point, everyone sitting at the bar was trying desperately not to laugh and the sound of a stiffed chuckle only made it that much harder. The hostess may have even peed herself a little right there on the bar stool.

"We don't have any birth certificates here. Sorry dude." The grin on the bartender’s boyish face was so wide he could barely form the words.

"Oh alright, thanks anyway." And with that, our hero turned from the bar and made a hasty exiting from the building back to the lonely streets where no one knew that he had lost his birth certificate while out on the town for a night of drinking. The moment the front door of the bar swung shut, we all erupted in a fit of laugher.