Cam-pain-ing

After watching the video of Anna stumbling around with her face painted like a five dollar clown whore, I'm withdrawing my name from the fatherhood race. My dick would never let me within a mile radius of that thing. In fact, it almost stabbed me in the eye with a soldering iron just for writing that entry. Plus, I don't think the kid is going to see a dime of the money, so she's pretty much useless to me. God do I feel sorry for that child. To have those genes swimming around inside you. Wow. Suck doesn't even begin to describe it. If I were her, I'd spend my life trying to separate the genes I got from my father - who that is has no bearing - from those I got from my mother, killing the mother genes as I went. Unfortunately, she'll have the mental capacity of a infant when she's eighteen. So it looks like any great scientific discoveries in the field of the human genome are out of the question. Personally, it's amazing that she can breathe on her own at this point. She has a negative brain power score right now. We should all have a party when she reaches zero.

And speaking of parties, I have another race to enter and this one is dick approved, at least for the moment. We can celebrate Britney style - you know, shaving our heads and checking in to rehab - when I win. I'm officially announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. I really think I have a shot because I've come up with best idea I've ever had on how to improve and revitalize this country. An idea so perfect, so easily implemented and so non-controversial that Lincoln himself wept like a baby when I told him my plan in a dream last night.

As to not get too far ahead of myself, I'll tell you now that I'll be running as a moderate democrat because I need their money and I think I would gain the most support for my movement from that kind of crowd. It would be ideal to run independent but I'm horribly poor and not particularly great with money. Assuming I could raise enough, I'd probably spend the campaign funds on tooties rolls, playboys and a monkey with a colt 45 in his hand riding a tricycle. No, I need campaign managers, big business money (soft or hard), lobbyists, greasers, liars and no less than a hundred personal assistants to tell me how great a politician and what an amazing lover I am. Did I mention all the assistants are female? Because they are, so don't get any ideas. I'm all man. Who else besides the democratic party can give me all that?

As far as my platform goes, it's based on one simple principal. I'd pass one law and it would solve everyone's problems. You wanted world peace, so I'm going to give it to you and this is how we do it:

I'll amend the constitution with a bill to outlaw junk mail.

Isn't that kick your shoes off and jello wrestle brilliant? The effects would be felt immediately and would be far reaching. Here, let me show you.

First, people would instantly be happier. Wouldn't you be happier if you went to the mailbox and the only thing that was in there was mail that actually related to you. Think of the time you'd save sorting and sifting through the junk. Sometimes locating the water bill is like finding a needle in a hay stack. I know there have been times I've missed a bill and thrown it out on accident. Then the next time the bill comes I have to pay double plus a late fee just because some phone book sized stack of crappy coupons I'll never use decided to swallow aforementioned bill and doom it to a slow death in the landfill having never crossed my eye. Instantly, this problem would be solved, strengthening the national economy by keeping that little fee in the pockets of the general public to spend on goods and services rendered. Not to mention the time savings would allow people get vital tasks they would otherwise have no time for completed. Who knows what people would do with their extra fifteen minutes a day. Even if it affords the single mom a moment to ask her bastard son how his day in school went, we've done our jobs. Finally, happy people don't need medication to make it though their day, forcing the major pharmaceutical companies to abandon research and production of antidepressants and concentrate on making medical breakthroughs involving real drugs, like curing cancer and herpes.

Second, we would save the rain forest, stop global warming and turn the planet's environment back to the paradise we remember. Think about it. All those quarters and dollars you sent to save the rain forest environmental groups as a kid. Crap. This is the one and only true way to save them. Every piece of junk mail you get in you mailbox is made from a tree or many different trees. Some of those trees may have come from as far away as Brazil, Indonesia and Kentucky. If we reduce the need for paper to print ridiculous once in a lifetime mortgage offers and credit card pre-approval letters, we reduce the number of trees required to fill the need. Therefore, the rain forests live, the animals rejoice and clear cutting becomes a term for the history books. Mills reform their procedures to make a better product as competition is reintroduced into the world market. It'd be like an environmentalist's wet dream come true. I'm still researching whether outlawing junk mail will save baby seals but the initial findings are very encouraging.

Lastly, outlawing junk mail will improve international relations. With our new wealth of sustainable forests and improved logging practices, the world can begin producing high quality toilet paper for everyone, not just us Americans. Men, women and children from England to Micronesia would praise our eco-friendly policies and concern for the wellbeing of their assholes. The youth of Asia could experience their first wipe with proper TP, fulfilling countless dreams and wishes. We wouldn't even have to send foreign aid they'd be so grateful, further strengthening our economic situation and increasing our power. Terrorism? Forget about it. Whose going to attack the country that rid the world of swamp ass?

There's still time to turn this country around. Bush hasn't put us so far in the hole that we'll never find our way out. All we need is a light and a ladder to help us out of the pit. I want to be that light and my policies the ladder. Just give me a chance. Together, I know we can rid this country of junk mail and save the world. Vote Calitri in '08.