A Game of Suits

There are some things you do in everyday life that under certain circumstances just don't seem right. Everyday activities that, for reasons of surroundings or situation, don't feel right. And that's the conundrum I find myself in today.

Right now, I'm wearing a suit. It's a fairly nice suit. A black pin-striped Perry Ellis three button notch with a deep red Van Heusen button-down shirt and silver tie topped off with black leather shoes - not patent - and a black leather belt. I feel like I look pretty damn good too. People say I clean up nice. I don't know what that means but I'm assuming it's a good thing. The problem is I have to take a shit and I'm not sure I can do something so dirty when I'm looking so nice. I can't think of the last time I dropped a load while wearing a suit and it may have never happened before. Do I want to break that streak now? I don't think I'll be able to hold it all day.

So, if I'm going to do this, as it appears that I am, I really have to think everything through. Do I wear the suit jacket into the bathroom? This is a big occasion and I want to look nice if it is in fact the first time, but the shit could probably care less. It can't see what I look like. Or can it? If I wear the jacket in, how do I keep it off the toilet seat? It's dry clean only and if it touched I can think of no better reason to get it cleaned. But I'm lazy and don't want to take the time to get it cleaned - not to mention the money it would cost. Also, in the mental image I've conjured, the guy looks like he's wearing a dress with the jacket on. All in all, I think I'm going to veto the jacket and leave it on a chair. That's the right play.

But the jacket's only half the outfit. What about the pants? My main concern here is whether or not shitting in front of them will lower their opinion of me. Will they judge because the action I'm taking is below them? Will they tell the jacket what I've done when we get back? Will they refuse to be seen on me after this, choosing to be eaten by a pack of ravenous moths rather than grace my hairy legs with their presence?

The solution: I have to strip down to my boxers when I get into the bathroom and find a way to hide all my clothes so they can't see what I'm doing. That's the only way to shit in a suit and retain my dignity. Wish me luck.