Spring Fervor

I'm not feeling very funny right now. Though you may not have realized in some of my writing, I was trying to be funny. If you didn't notice, stop reading after this sentence and forget you ever read anything. I'll pretend like nothing happened and we can go on living our lives in denial and shame. But really, I'm just too damn tired to be funny. Too damn tired to think or be creative or move my left pinkie toe. It's not one of those tired of life things either. It's a literal physical, body can't break down any more carbs/protein/fat to produce energy, just want to go to bed and not wake up for days tired.

I decided that, since it was a nice spring-like day and the weather said it would remain so for the rest of the week, I'd take up running and working out again. As of now, it feels like a monstrous mistake. Maybe I should have taken it a bit easier, but if I had reduced the cadence of my legs by any measurable amount I would have been walking - not a fast speed-walker walk either, just a regular stroll. It was sad. Children laughed as I sloughed by and babies raced past my lumbering body with unsettling frequency. It really is amazing how much the body will regress in two months. Now I know where jello comes from.

Before winter decided to arrive fashionably late, joining the party like the loud drunken fool of a guest you're trying to ignore as they dance on the table tops, I was actually fit. Or at least some form of. It wasn't a throw back to my High School days, but it was something at least. I was working out every weekday. I was running eight miles on Sunday. Everything was right with the world. Then the world froze. I can be crazy and I've done some of the most idiotic things known to man. However, running in subfreezing temperature with subzero wind chills is not one of the stupid things I will be doing. Running on a treadmill isn't much of an option either. I despise them for the simple fact that they give me vertigo when I get off. I step off, my feet stop moving and the room continues to lurch forward. After righting myself, the dizziness continues accompanied by a splitting headache. Just walking for ten minutes on one at rehab as a warm up was enough to get me a little tipsy.

The good thing is I didn't gain any weight over my two month hiatus. Only God knows how that happened. Instead, what little muscle I had left lost all fortitude and reverted back to a more primitive state commonly called fat. Turning this fat back to muscle is the charge I have before me. As with all endeavors involving the conversion of primeval soup to a more evolved form, a higher state if you will, it's going to take hard work. Just another example of the true injustices of life. It's so damn easy to make fat and so hard to build muscle. In fact, by sitting my ass in front of the computer, I'm probably doing it right now. Fat is bad and muscle is good. So why is the thing that's good for me so hard to do? I'm not going to expound considering the subject would require a week long psych lecture retreat in the hills of West Virginia. Plus, I'm not really qualified to give it and I don't have the log cabins lined up. I'm sure everyone understands what I'm talking about anyway. So, until a certain biomedical engineer invents a way to burn fat easily while building muscle that actually works, it looks likes it's exercise in the great outdoors for me.