It's Academic

Being the day after my birthday, I found myself reflecting on my life as people tend to do when they turn a year older. Somehow my mind wandered back to my freshmen and sophomore years of High School at St. Joe's. Those two years were what I consider to be the worst years of my life. Middle school was bad but nothing in comparison to my time spent at the all guys catholic private school. Let me pause here because I don't want to mislead you. Academically, St. Joe is a great school. I have friends, all of which were a year ahead of me, that I'm sure would describe their experience as a success and enjoyable one. I can see how that outcome is possible. The staff was amazing. The teachers genuinely cared about the students educations. The principle was a man that you could go to with your toughest questions and he would answer honestly and compassionately. The kitchen workers prepared the best homemade strombolis I've ever had. Unfortunately, I hated my friends. Maybe they turned out to be nice guys later in life. And I hope they did. But at that place and time, they were some of the biggest dicks I've ever known. I can't say I never participated in some of there assholeness, because I did. But I never felt right about it and I'm not sure I can say that for some of them.

Some might ask why I didn't just make other friends? It's a valid question. It's also one that I have an answer to, so I don't mind explaining. The biggest factor was that I played soccer and so did all my friends. I saw them every day after school, practiced with them, spent a lot of time with them. Of course, there were fractions on the team - sects and clicks - but the better players formed a group and they became the popular kids. In a place were social standing was the key to life, I made sure I was in that group. Also, I did have other friends in and outside of the soccer team. I had a couple of guys from the neighborhood where I lived, who I've known forever. They are life long friends and I'm still close with one of them. Then there were my two best friends from my class that transfered out after their freshman year. As you can imagine, it made things infinitely worse my sophomore year.

Eventually, I couldn't take it any more. I transfered out after my sophomore year, too tired of the shit storm that was my life to stick it out for another two years. I went to public school for the first time in my life, reconnected with a bunch a bunch of guys from my old Middle School club soccer team and had a great last two years. Things certainly weren't perfect. They rarely are at any time. But I was happy again and didn't dread the thought of getting up in the morning to go to school. Who knows, public school might have saved my life. How many people can say that?

Anyway, thinking about the bad times in life, I tend to always wish I had said what I really wanted to or at least should have. Not that I didn't speak my mind in High School, but as a 26 year old, I hope I've gained some wisdom over the years to help better express my thoughts. The High School intellect lacks clarity to properly asses and diagnose most situations. Everything is alphabet soup and you're lucky to form words correctly, much less string them into coherent sentences. The expression of a complete thought is nearly impossible - a stew of hormones, confusion, awkwardness, elation and self-doubt standing in the way. So, as a clear thinking, semi-adult, partially intelligent, mid-twenties guy, this is what I wish I would I have said at any random lunch break during those difficult two years:

"For fuck's sake guys. Do we really have to make fun of each other all the time? Honestly, I know I have a very square jaw, but what the hell am I going to do about that? Justin, you have big ears. John, you're just all around stupid looking. Eric, you're cool. Luke, you are the epitome of a red-headed step child. There's something different, weird, messed up, funny and sad about all of us. Supermodels don't go to St. Joe, at least I never knew one that did. Why do you feel the need to lower everyone else's self esteem around you? It must be to try to make yourself look better, but the only thing it's doing is making you look like an asshole. In fact, it's proving that you are an asshole. Take a look around. Go ahead. Who in the hell are you trying to impress in this room by putting everyone around you down? You're sitting in a cafeteria with 500 other guys. Do you think that if you look cool enough by degrading your friends that Evan will want to date you? It's a fucking all guys school for Christ sake. There's no one here for you to impress."

"Come on, there has to be something else to talk about over the lunch table - girls, beer, drugs, getting into trouble, getting out of trouble, sports, classes. The possibilities are endless. It's High School, the drama never ends and there are always subjects on the table to be discussed. We don't need to belittle each other to survive. If we just acted like friends that would be enough. I'm not going to tell you to grow up because I don't want to grow up. But acting like a fucking prick all the time isn't acceptable at any age. Let's put down the fucking swords and just let each other be. I think we'll all be happier that way."