Mom, Your Little Boy's Got Problems

People do stupid things all the time. In fact, someone somewhere is doing something stupid right now. And no, it's not me (kind of). But I can think of a ton of stupid things I've done lately. For example, getting plastered at the bar on Friday night, then agreeing to do one finally shot before leaving, only to puke it all up a little while later in the wee hours of the morning. That's stupid. But it was also fun. Not the puking part itself, but getting blitzed was enjoyable while it lasted. That's the same way I felt about my last post, though I regretted it slightly less the day after. It was a stupid post bordering on manic insanity. I know people are a person is worried about me now. Therefore, for Kristen's sake, I'll lay down a quick explanation of how the post before this one came into being include motivations and plot twists.

The people you should really blame are the guys in the band Armor for Sleep and their song, "Stay on the Ground". There's a lyric in the song that goes: "I started looking out for myself today". Seems innocent enough, right? Well, I decided to combine this line with my current, flavor of the month favorite, retarded saying, "Go have sex with yourself". I'm not sure where I got it from, but for the past couple weeks I've been working into everyday conversations as much as possible. It's especially effective on the basketball court. Feel free to use it any time, though. So the final product of my bored incoherent daydreaming was, "I started having sex with myself today", i.e. the title of my last post. If you play the song and sing along, using my alternate lyric, the beginning of each verse then reads:

I started having sex with myself today
but then I stopped cause I don't care

This is where the lack of mental function really becomes evident. The misfiring synapses in my brain interpreted these two lines as being extremely funny. I still can't sing them without laughing. See mom, I'm not getting better. Your little boy is still fucked up. I've been signing these two lines over and over in my head so frequently I eventually convinced myself it would be a good idea to work them into a post. Another flash of pure brilliance followed and I thought I would use the first line as the title, because seeing it on techno or active rss would be funny, and I'd end the post with the last line.

As you may have concluded by now, my plan was obviously flawed. To have an ending, a post must have a beginning and middle in addition to a title. Thus, as my plans often do, I was left to improvise the beginning and middle with little to nothing to go on. Somehow, I came up with the nonsensical moronically illiterate story and description you see today. Was it a failed attempt at something wonderful? Not hardly. It was a failed attempt at something stupid and pathetic that no one in their right mind would have attempt anyway, much less thought of. So, to recap; poor sense of humor + bad idea + the writing prowess of a 3rd grader = a post that even Corky would be ashamed to call his own.

What's past is past and therefore I'm going to try to forget this ever happened. Kind of like most events in my life. I know it would make you feel better if I said that I'll never write something like that again, but I can't do it. I'm retarded. It's science. Me saying I'm not going to write anything stupid is like a Crohn's patient saying they'll never take another shit. It's just not possible. I can tell you that I'll try to limit your exposure to my messed up thought processes and "humor". I think I'll have to start a private journal. I can see it now. Me, huddled over my journal, flashlight and colt 45 in hand, reading the asinine things I wrote a year ago and laughing so hard I'm pissing myself. God, I can't wait. Someone get me a pencil and paper!