Started Having Sex with Myself Today

I've only been doing it a few days but it's changed the rest of my life for the better in so many ways. I've experienced deeper more restful sleep, a heightened sense of hearing and smell, and gentler more satisfying bowl movements. I can speak to dogs and horses using only a microphone and my voice. Just yesterday, I found myself floating above New York City, suspended in mid-air by the sex with myself. Finding my true inner self has been the most rewarded dividend.

You don't have to have physical sex with yourself (read masturbate), though it can help to solve complicated closeness issues. The pillar of the program is a mental exercise much like meditation. A mental tantra if you will. It's all about a form of loving yourself that expands the minds and lifts you to a higher level of consciousness. Rubbing and kneading your mind. Working it up into a hot lather then cooling if off in a sexy waterfall. Playfully teasing and tickling and giggling with your inner child.

The program starts subtly by envisioning your penis or vagina, whichever you have. Now, concentrate on that image, letting everything else around you fade away. Remember, you should only think about what you have going on in the nether reaches below. We are trying to have sex with ourselves here, not with anyone else. Once you have the image firmly ingrained, begin to move it around in a counterclockwise circular motion. It's very important that the image moves counterclockwise. If it moves clockwise, your man or lady bits will explode with the force of a thousand suns. No one said this was going to be easy, but good things in life rarely are. It will all be worth it in the end, I promise. Once you have the penis or vagina spinning, take mental bites of it at positions ten and two on a clock. Allow your mind to absorb and draw sustenance from each delicious bite. Allow the bite to melt in your mind's mouth and roll it around with your mental tongue. Swallow and regurgitate the bite six times, then spit it back into place with rest of your private area. See, don't you feel more whole and at peace already? Just wait until a week from now when you're scaling Everest using nothing but the back of a shurpa and sex with yourself. If you take the time and have sex with yourself every day for the rest of your life, you're sure to become as cool and happy as Bob Barker, who invented this technique in the first place. A true American hero.

If you want more information, google "Sex with myself" at work. Now that I've written about sex with myself, I think I'm going to stop because I don't care.

Disclaimer: Having sex with yourself may cause temporary blindness, hairy palm, extreme abdominal pains from gas and shame and gayness. Please consult your local rabbi immediately should any of these occur.