One Small Slip for Man

In keeping with the passing down of wisdom theme I touched on last post, there's one overly important piece of advice I need to pass on. I don't want you getting caught with your pants down when your friend falls down the stairs after a ruckus night of frivolity. And trust me, it will happen. If not today, then tomorrow or the next day and just like the second coming of Christ, you're not going to see it coming but you will need to know how to react when it does. So without further ado, I give you Calitri's simple seven steps on what to do when your friend falls down a flight of stairs.

1) Don't panic as you watch the event unfold. If you happen to be nearby and have the reaction time and reflexes of cracked out feline, attempt to stop your friends fall. The stipulations being that the friend must be an attractive, correctly proportioned girl. Guys and fat chicks are on their own. You don't want to end up being the one with the injuries do you? Besides, I'm assuming here that you're six tequila shots deep and at least two sheets to the wind. You'll be lucky to see the tumble. An absolute saint if you process and understand the information your blurry eyes are relaying.

2) The deed is done and there was nothing you could do to stop it short of freezing time. You've only ever done that once - fleeing from the bedroom window, leaving the six guys, the horse and the hooker to deal with the cops - I doubt you could pull it off again. Therefore, the first post trauma thing you should do is laugh. Keep it brief and jolly and certainly don't linger on it. The victim is still groggy at this point and won't recognize or remember that you laughed at them. They'll still like you after all this is over. Also, laughing immediately prevents you from looking like an ass when someone else deduces that the fallen one has a serious injury. If someone yells, "Oh my God, Jimmy's arm is folded up like a pretzel and spewing blood in every direction. Dial 911!", and you're still laughing you ass off and rolling on the floor, the whole group is going to know you're a dick. Brevity here is way to go. Laugh on the inside if you must go longer.

3) Before making your approach, carefully document what you saw and store the memories in an un-alcohol-molested section of your brain. You're going to want to tell the story to many, many people later so you need to get this safely packed away now. Additionally, it's quite possible that you only witnessed a part of what happened and will need to collaborate with others to piece together exactly what went down (other than your friend).

4) If no one else has done it, check to see if they're ok. I know this steps sucks but it's the right thing to do and the friend will appreciate it. If the fallen person is your enemy, especially a secret rival enemy, you should be able to sneak in a good kick to the ribs or elbow to the back of the head here. When executed correctly, the offense is undetectable to the naked eye. Being a ninja is a huge plus.

5) Barring any major injuries, remove the bowl of salsa from their heads as an act of compassion. If the bowl of salsa ended up on the floor, pick it up and place it on their heads as punishment for messing up the floor.

6) Help their poor dazed and confused selves up off the floor and back to an upright and locked position. They'll still be a little woozy at this point so provide some support. At least enough to keep them from falling over and hitting their head on a wall or breaking their leg clean off at teh knee on the corner of a coffee table. Refrain from all use of tazers and stun guns at this time.

7) Now that your friend has been righted, make him or her clean up whatever shit they've destroyed, taking note of lost valuables and property that was involved in the altercation. Helping them clean up is out of the question because you have more important things to do - like sitting back with the rest of your friends and laughing at the drunk guy crawling around on the floor with a bottle of carpet cleaner, a rag and a pair of pliers.

And there you have it. That's all for today children. I'll have to wait for R to do something else stupid to write about the proper reaction to it. Don't worry, it won't take too long.