Baby Talk

I'm feeling motivated, which is good, because I hurt my hand yesterday during a softball game and typing hurts. There are definate pluses and minuses to pitching in softball. The good thing is you're involved in every play, no time to stand around and get bored. The bad thing is some of those plays involve the large white ball you just tossed into the air getting smacked back at your head at 100 mph. Luck for me, as I fell while retreating up the mound, I managed to get my glove up in self defense and catch the ball that was hell-bent on lodging itself in my face. However, I didn't quite get the ball totally with the webbing, there was some palm involved, and thus I sit here today with a bruised and hurting hand.

Apparently, every person with a kid, at least a newborn/infant/toddler, thinks that their kid is the second coming of Christ himself. I'm not an expert on Revelations but I'm pretty sure that when Christ returns he's coming back in some kick ass way. Trumpets, angels, clouds parting, a light show, maybe even free cotton candy for all the good christians. He's already done the whole birthing, vagina, placenta thing and once was enough. Sidenote: How weird do you think that was for him? I have to believe he was conscious during the whole thing. Uhh...seeing your own birth in first person, I don't even want to thing about it. The worst is having to hear someone talk about their christ-like child, especially when you have no vested interest in the kid. You're not the kids uncle, aunt, cousin, god-parent or clown to be used on 4th birthday. You've probably seen the kid once and thought it was ugly. Now you have to listen to someone recount the most trival and mundane events in the kids life like: "my baby stood up and held onto a chair for four hours", or "my baby is sleeping the whole night through, isn't it wonderful", or "every time I pick my kid up I have to hold on to him tight because they just want to go and go". Please, for the love of god, shut up. I'm attempting to shove pencils in my ears right now, just reliving the experiences. I'll have to get them deep though, as the voices are in my head. Yup, felt a crunch, I'm almost there.

If people are going to talk about there kids, why can't they wait for something worthwhile to talk about. Here are some suggestions: "my kid fell down a well" (of course this one I would have already known about since Lassie would have told me earlier, but I'm always down for the retelling of a good kid in a well story), or "my kid puked the most disgusting shit I've seen" (kids puke, adults puke, everyone pukes so why not talk about it? It's just like shitting, and you know my feelings on that subject), or, one last one cause I like things in threes, "I took my kid to the baseball game yesterday and he was hit by a fowl ball right in the noggin'" (going back to my getting hit by balls theme...don't even say it). All perfectly good stories that would be entertaining to anyone and I'm sure there are millions more out there. Stories for the masses. If your kid is just plain uninteresting and boring, cause a story to happen, push timmy into that well. Look at Britney Spears, granted, she is an entertainer and technically it is her job, but she's put that kid (Sean Preston, not douche-bag K-fed) in more story telling situations than anyone in recent memory. "My baby rolled off the bed and has brain damage", "My baby fell out of his high chair and has brain damage", "My baby drove my car and I have brain damage". I mean the friggin' women is a goddamn genious. She should probably write this post but then again, not being able to read generally procludes you from being able to write. I'll ask the little lady for confirmation on that when she gets home. I hope that I don't bore people with stupid stories about my kids whenever I end up having them. I swear I'll do my best and if I fail, remind me about what I wrote here and I will happily kick my own ass. Ok, the venting is done. The stack is clear. Peace and baby grease. I'm out.

Important Info

In case you hadn't noticed, Japan and China have the two most advanced societies in the world. Hell, why limit it, the entire continent of Asia, really. I mean they are way ahead of their time or at least ahead of us by a long shot. Honestly, I'm not sure that some American will be able to comprehend what I'm about to share with you, but in the interest of advancing the US population to at least a close second, I'll put it out there. Disclaimer: Remember, they have technology far surpassing our own. Do to this, any or all of the facts displayed in the following articles may seem strange or impossible. Accepting the reality of the situation is the first step in advancing our society to their higher plane.

Exhibit A:

Kancho is a game or trick often played in Japan by young school-aged children; it is performed by clasping the hands together so the index fingers are pointing out and attempting to insert them into someone's anal region when the victim is not looking. It is similar in spirit to the wedgie or a goosing in North America.

As a visual aid for those who are having trouble with the technical aspects of this new discovery I've included at link to a picture: Kancho

Exhibit B:

BOONG-GA BOONG-GA
Developed by the Korean company "Taff System" for the Korean and Japanese market (but un-released in Japan), Boong-Ga Boong-Ga (also known as Spank 'em ) is the first arcade game that simulates anal probing. You select from eight characters like "Mother-in-Law," "Con artist," and "Child Molester" and then you ram a giant plastic finger into a jeans-covered bottom which protrudes out from the arcade unit next to the words "HAVE A FUN!! ENJOY." As you poke, spank, and probe, the game plays an animation of your victim wailing in pain, and then the game rates your sexual virility based on the impact of your finger against its virtual colon.

Personally, I don't see how we'll ever catch up to them and it seems we've already given up by putting Bush in office. I urge you, press on, because one day soon we will have a democratic butt loving leader to take our society to the promised land.

Marty Bass Update

May I have your attention, please! I've just been handed an urgent and horiffying news story. Cannonball! No, actually Marty Bass proves once again, he's the biggest asshat in the world, further fueling my hatred of the "man"(unproven thus the quotes) and adding another gun to my arsenal, which will eventually take him down.

Out of the shower, drying and onto dressing. As I pull the pant leg to its upright and locked position, I glance to the TV, where of all people, Marty fucking Bass is giving an video conference interview with the two male lead actors of the show "Numb3rs". I've never seen the show, so really I have no idea who these dudes are but either way I'm watching. The interview is wrapping up and there about to say their goodbyes. At this point I'm thinking, "Wow, Marty may actually make it out of an interview without making a fool of himself". How wrong I was. Marty had one last bit of idiocy in him that he just couldn't contain and so he quips a joke. I can't remember exactly what he said or what the joke was about but its irrelevant. We know anything that comes out of that mouth is quailtarded, therefore apply that law to this situation and there you go. Needless to say, during a moment of uncomfortable silence, the interviewees look at each other dumbfounded. Then one guy turns to the other guy and says in a low voice, like he thought the audio feed had already cut, "I didn't get that." Awkward goodbye and…scene.

Way to alienate everyone you talk to Marty. I bet you play kancho with the set crew. Thanks for being a douche-bag and making even most unintellectual people look smart. You are truly a god among mere mortals.