It's the End of the World As We Know It

I just want to say bye too all my friends and family. I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. I'd also like to specifically say I'm sorry to Brian. I shouldn't have choked out your rabbit and then flushed it, in three pieces, down the toilet. I couldn't help it. It had crazy eyes. I need to face my maker with a clean conscience.

Of all the possible ways for it to happen, I never thought it would be like this. May God have mercy on all of us, now at the hour of our death, amen.

Linsey Lohan To Take 'Magentism' Lessons

Attack of the Tip Jar

It's been getting out of hand far too long now. And I haven't said anything up till this point mostly because I'm lazy. However, today I was finally pushed passed the breaking point of annoyance. Something has to be said, because dumb-shit tip jars are popping up everywhere, threatening to take over our very existence.

Tips, at their most elementary, are meant to supplement the pay of workers who, for economic reasons I may never understand, make less than minimum wage. They can also be used to express pleasure or gratitude for a difficult job well done.

Despite the fact that everyone working at Subway looks like they just stepped off the boat, I find it hard to believe that they are not getting paid a suitable wage. A large company with a reputation to maintain, like Subway, couldn't afford to hire illegals and pay them pennies. The public backlash if they were ever found out would kill them. As a side note, should you ever tip an illegal? Seems to me you'd just be encouraging their bad behavior. Making a sandwich, especially an essentially meatless one consisting almost entirely of a roll, requires no skill. Christ, a one-eyed monkey with a hemorrhoid problem could that and probably more efficiently. I can't wait till the machines take everything over.

So, if you'd like to put out a penny tray or something like that, be my guest. But it's not my fault you work at a shitty job for minimum wage flipping rancid patties or toasting things. I don't want to support your twenty-two illegitimate children. Not my problem.

You want to make more money? Fine, get a higher paying job. Don't come begging me for an extra buck of my hard-earned - a phrase I should have put in quotations - cash. The price was clearly listed and I paid it begrudgingly plus tax. Don't try to guilt me into financing your pitiful little life by putting out a pathetically sad tip jar.

You make a mockery of people who actually deserve a tip and me sick. Go to hell and take your tip jar with you.

AC Slater Inspires Millions

I find it hard to believe this is real, mostly because of the last line. But, like most comical en devours, whether it's real or not has little bearing on the amount of hilarity one can glean from it.

From a message board post on Phantasy Tour:

Guys this is probably the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to me. I was at my girlfriends house tonight for dinner, and shortly after i had to go #2. My Gf's brother was in the downstairs bathroom, so i went upstairs to use the master bathroom. I was about to take a dump, and I remembered something my friend told me called AC Slatering. AC Slatering is when you take a dump facing backwards on the toilet, just how on saved by the bell AC Slater always sat backwards on a chair. So when I was taking a dump, My stomache was facing the back of the toilet, and my back was facing the door. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and began to get nervous. Since AC SLatering is a tough position to get into, it requires taking off your pants. So there I am sitting in my GF's parents bathroom taking a dump with my pants off and facing the wrong way on the toilet. My dump was about halfway out when the footsteps became closer. I then turned around to see that I had not locked the door. Trying to finish as quickly as I could, I began pushing harder and harder. Suddenly, the door opened, and my gf's mom stood there in shock staring at me. We made eye contact for a split second, and I was so embarassed I wanted to die. I quickly finished up, got dressed, and ran out of the house as quickly as I could. I am expecting my gf to break up with me tommorow. I am so embarassed and I hope my gf doesnt blabber about this, Ill die if anyone else finds out.

I can't credit the author because I don't know them and didn't actually see the post. However, I did find out that one of my friends actually shits like this regularly and eats while doing it - using the top of the toilet as a table.

If the day continues like it's been going, AC Slatering may be my only way of eating dinner. Go bears!

Editor's Note: Ok, I googled it and the story's definitely not real, but still funny as hell. My favorite google search result, simply because of the forum its on. Now who wants to write the Wikipedia page?

I Blame Everyone Else

As if we didn't already know Hulk Hogan and the rest of his loathsome brood were the biggest pieces of shit on the plant, now we have this:

"Nick and the entire 'Hogan' Bollea family are saddened that criminal charges have been filed in regards to the tragic single car accident on August 26 2007. The family's primary focus and concern still remains for the continued recovery of Nick's longtime friend John Graziano. The Bolleas will also continue to stand by the Graziano family and help them in any way they can. The tragedy to both families is compounded by the fact that unfortunately John was not wearing his seatbelt. Thankfully, Nick was wearing his. Because of what happened to John, the entire Bollea family will make it a priority to increase public awareness about the importance of always wearing your seatbelt."

That's right, blame the brain-dead guy who is drooling all over himself for not buckling his seatbelt. I'm sure the prick driving the car had nothing to do with it flipping and hitting a tree, injuring the guy. To their own detriment, they continue:

"There has been much speculation as to the speed and wet road conditions surrounding this accident. Although all the evidence has not been evaluated, preliminary reports from the experts indicate that this was not, in fact, a high-speed accident. Because Nick is still a juvenile and has no prior criminal record, we are disappointed that he is being charged as an adult offender. However, we are confident that the evidence will demonstrate that this was an accident."

Well no shit it was an accident. I doubt any reasonable person believes that he meant to thrash his dad's supra and intentionally wrecked the fucking thing. What's hard to believe is the accident resulted from responsible, "normal", law-abiding driving. Last time I checked, my truck has never spontaneously flipped and wrapped itself around a tree because I was obeying the speed limit. Single car accidents happen because the driver fucked up, end of story. He's responsible, let him pay for it. Although, really, what's the point. Let's see: 1) He's white (check), 2) He's rich (check), and 3) he is or is somehow related to a celebrity (check). Yup, he's getting off. Famous people don't have to abide by the rules and sure as hell can't be held accountable by the law. This is America, God dammit!

Writer's Strike Kills the Hills

Hollywood, CA - The ongoing writer's guild strike has claimed yet another victim. MTV has just announced that its hit "reality" show, The Hills, staring Lauren Conrad and a bunch of other assholes will go on an indefinite hiatus citing lack of material and exploding production costs.

According to MTV insiders, the show tried to film a episode earlier this week and failed miserably. Without writers feeding lines to the vapid LC, plastic Heidi, insufferable hell spawn Spencer and douche-bag of the year Brody, dialog - the show's mainstay - was reduced to nothing more than quips, one liners and an occasional hum of the "Happy Days" theme song. The cast's inability to hold a actual conversation has become a major stumbling block. On Monday night, a scene being filmed at Les Deux took over twelve hours, drawing out just enough usable dialog to fill five minutes of air time.

Sans script, Heidi slipped naturally back into an obscure dialect of "valley girl" so unlike English they had to bring in an interpreter. In fact, MTV briefly considered subtitling her scenes, but marketing reminded producers that high school piss-ants disdain foreign films.

Between the interpreter, the hiring of three more editors to work around the clock piecing shit together like a paleontologist reconstructing a dinosaur, and the usual expenses consisting of twelve bottles of Grey Goose and and a twenty-four pack of condoms requested weekly by LC, production cost have sky rocketed. MTV's stock actually fell a full 2% yesterday on wall street after show expenditures were leaked to CSPAN. MTV's Japanese stock continues to hold strong at who the hell cares.

The show was put on hiatus by MTV executives this morning after previewing the latest episode. Most executives declined comment but one was seen by headquarter employees dousing his body with gasoline in a Time Square lobby and setting himself ablaze. Todd Cunning-Ham, senior vice president of strategy and planning for MTV, told reporters, "I'm going home to kill my wife and children now", as he emerged from the screening room.

What's next for The Hills crew is anyone's guess. Most agreed they feel uncomfortable without a camera around and would most likely resort to flashing their privates in public to get through the strike. Jason said he hoped to "stomp a ho" and become someone's prison bitch in his new found free time. And Spencer said he was glad to get a break, giving him more time to "TF Heidi's silicon mounds". Heidi summed it up best saying,"Like, whatever."